Century Park Blog

Being squeezed between supporting grown kids and elderly parents who need care is a time-consuming task.

I am sure many have heard of the term sandwich generation, which describes adults who are both taking care of their kids and providing assistance to their elderly parents. Being part of this generation is becoming common, and rather than asking for sympathy, I believe seeking advice, strategy and information are key ingredients to coping with this season of life. My husband and I have been part of this sandwich generation for the past five years. It is an honorable season of life but one that requires help. Here are some tips for those in the sandwich generation:

1. Don’t do it alone.

My mom always told me that raising children is a collective effort. The same is true through other seasons of life. It takes help. You cannot always be there to help your parents, so enlist neighbors, your friends and your faith community to help. These people can be key to communicating with you on recent changes to your family dynamics, helping with small errands, providing a peer social outlet and giving you encouragement and prudent advice. People on the periphery who are helping to provide care or friendship for your parents can be helpful in providing objective advice.

Recently, I had the opportunity to meet with a family who was trying to assist their ninety-year-old parents. Both parents had moderate cognitive deficits, but the children were still trying very hard to receive advice, approval and permission from their parents to make changes to their independent living arrangement. In listening to this family, I knew that their parents would not be appropriately placed in an assisted living environment due to the unique circumstances, so I had to privately convey with kindness that a typical assisted living facility would not be an option. The next step would definitely be a memory care facility. One of the children looked at me and exclaimed despairingly, “How did this happen?” Life is a journey we do not make on our own. Enlisting the help of others and being open to the involvement is key to navigating through.

2. Through technology, you can provide assistance if you live far away.

Recently, I used my cell phone to FaceTime my dad while he met with my brothers and talked to us via video about his living will. I have FaceTimed him through his doctor appointments and was able to ask questions of his physician and explain these appointments to him after he left. Technology gives children the ability to have access to their parents’ financial information, so that they can assist with banking, keeping track of purchases, and so forth. Allowing children to have knowledge of financial information is not giving up control; it is simply being wise. We all need help, and allowing someone you trust to have knowledge does not necessarily mean giving them control.

3. Take time for your parents.

The sandwich generation season does not last forever. If you do not allow it to consume you and can balance it with caring for your own children, you can enjoy the fleeting time you have with your parents. Understand that growing older is not as easy as they may make it look. It’s a challenge all its own. They may repeat things; they may become easily frustrated; they may even ask you to leave them alone. My philosophy is to allow it to be like “water off a duck’s back.” Kindness always wins.

If you are blessed to be part of the sandwich generation, count your blessings that God chose you.

Esmerelda Lee is campus manager for Garden Plaza at Cleveland, an independent and assisted living facility for seniors.